Take back the prenup

Mention the word “prenup” to a group of engaged, happily dating or even single women in America and a collective shudder will run down their spines.  Prenups are unromantic, someone will almost surely say. Why ruin the happiest time in your relationship by planning its eventual demise?

Prenups (short for “prenuptial agreements”) used to be limited to the rich and famous.  Recently, the tide has shifted.  Along with rising divorce rates starting in the 1970s, the popularity of prenups has also gone up. Adding fuel to that fire are the countless articles online instructing men about the best way to ask their fiancee to sign a prenup, including helpful tips such as ‘warning her early’ and ‘paying for her lawyer’.  The discussion surrounding prenups is predominantly geared towards men, with women portrayed as the unwilling, impractical and stubborn side of the equation.

I want to start off by dismissing the notion that prenups are ‘unromantic’.  They are one of the most romantic things you can do with the person you love.  If you sacrifice your career to stay at home with the kids, a prenup can dictate fair compensation so you aren’t left saddled with children and a rising pile of bills while you try to get back to work or school in the wake of a divorce. If you pay for part of your spouse’s education, a prenup can dictate that you receive a portion or even all of that money back.

Furthermore, just because you have a prenup doesn’t mean you’re eventually going to get divorced.  It doesn’t make getting divorced ‘easier’ in the long term. Sure, there’s now a ream of paper sitting in a filing cabinet saying how it’s all going to go down in the event that happily ever after turns into a situation worthy of a daytime soap.  But it doesn’t shield you from the emotional fallout, for you or for any potential little ones unwittingly involved in the situation.

The notion that prenups are only for men is antiquated; it’s from a time when men worked and women stayed home, when men controlled the finances, when men were the one starting companies and working as investment bankers.  We still haven’t reached complete gender equality (and I’m doubtful if we ever will) but women, do you really think that there is nothing that you own in this life that is worth protecting in the event of a divorce?

You’re now just as likely to write that bestselling novel, found the next Twitter or Facebook or become a high-powered attorney, banker or doctor.  A prenup doesn’t just protect your future husband.  It also protects you.

Take control of your assets, current and future, by sitting down with a lawyer.  Take back the prenup.

Eternal Return

I fell into a wikipedia black hole today and stumbled upon Nietzsche’s idea of eternal return– basically, that time is cyclical (non-linear) and everything that is happening now has happened before and will happen again.  

One of my close friends who I’ve known since I was thirteen took his own life last week.  Grief is described as a linear journey, a march through Kubler-Ross’s five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance).  Denial carried me through until I landed in Philadelphia and Sting’s ‘Fields of Gold’ came up on shuffle.  Anger surprised me because I’ve always felt that individuals have the right to choose to die in the face of intractable illness, believing that the people close to me were exempt.

I’m finding that grief, like time, isn’t linear.  I feel normal one moment and the next I’m thinking about something funny he said to me or the way he laughed.  I’m just starting to believe that he’s truly gone forever, although I feel like I lost him a few months ago when he stopped responding to my text messages and attempts to stay in touch.  It’s impossible to shake the feeling of guilt, of responsibility, though I’ve tried to take that negativity and apply it to talking to my friends about how I’m always there for them.

If time is cyclical then maybe it’s not so romantic to think that I will see some part of him again.  If the universe is host to such infinite possibilities, I’d selfishly pick the one that kept him here with us.